The military loves to get young men right out of high school. They’re young enough to be malleable and trainable, plus they’re youth in their prime and about as athletic as they’re ever going to be in their lifetimes. They’re strong and healthy and can endure all sorts of stuff to get the job done. Being in the military is extremely challenging and requires a huge commitment of not only your time but also your physical endurance. There’s also the fact that when you sign up to be a soldier, there’s a good chance you’ll end up dead, which is often seen as a waste of a young man or woman’s life. The old guy in the fictional story below has the solution to everyone’s needs: recruit old guys (and ladies) like him! Enjoy this hilarious story.
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing completely backward! Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some jerk that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.
An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what’s it matter. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical psychopath.
If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet…
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million angry old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
Hey!! How about recruiting women over 50 who have entered menopause! You think MEN have attitudes?! Holy cow! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They’ll have it secured the first night.
