Something about becoming a parent changes our perception of everything. Love to travel? When you’re a parent, maybe you’ll suddenly dread it. Enjoy going to the mall? Ha! Try it with a toddler, I dare you. And want to talk about a relaxing day at the beach? Oh, boy. And never mind camping. Parenting is great and kids are great, but what we have to do is change our expectations to meet the new reality of parenting. When you add even one child to the mix, everything changes. You suddenly need more stuff, and you don’t have a lot of peace and quiet anymore. But let me tell you that when the kids are gone and you’ve got all the peace and quiet you want, you’ll wish you could have a little bit of the delightful chaos for just a few minutes. Enjoy this hilarious story of what it means to take kids to the beach.
I have two boys. They require a crap-ton of preparation before heading to the beach. As much as I adore summer and the time I get with them, I find myself sometimes longing for the days when all it took to go to the beach was me, a towel and a good book. Those days are long gone, and I can tell you from experience it is pretty easy to pick out who has kids on a beach and who doesn’t. Kids don’t need to be anywhere near people to tell if they have them or not.
People with kids have two tons of crap with them. No really. They have boogie boards, kickboards, noodles, buckets, shovels, rakes, plastic things shaped like stars and turtles, coolers, chairs, towels (enough for way more than the amount of people with them) 8 varieties of sunscreen, (baby sunscreen, face sunscreen, sunscreen in the form of a stick, spray, cream, sweatproof, waterproof, keep you looking like Casper guaranteed), umbrellas, and a big giant blanket.
People without kids have a towel, a chair and a cooler.
People with kids have a cooler filled with juice boxes, sandwiches, pretzels, goldfish, watermelon, grapes, granola bars, water, cookies, chips, crackers, cheese, yogurt sticks, strawberries and a baked ham for the love of Pete. There is pretty much nothing left in the kitchen of their home. It’s all in the damn cooler.
People without kids have beer, water (if they’re smart) and a sandwich.
People with kids look exhausted before they even set up for the day. They seriously look like they need a nap, an IV of coffee and possibly a hospital stay.
People without kids look either hungover or well-rested. There is nothing in between.
People with kids set up beach chairs but never sit in them for all that long. They are either building a sandcastle, getting their kids a snack, chasing a kid, calming a crying kid, applying sunscreen to a kid, preventing a kid from going out to sea or looking around and wondering how long everyone will stay happy. They absolutely never get to sit back and close their eyes. No sir. People with kids are like Prison Wardensalways watching.
People without kids are sitting in their chairs, holding conversations, sipping a beer, or simply watching the waves. They may even *GASP* get to close their eyes and take a nap. (I’m getting sleepy just thinking about it.)
When people with kids decide it’s time to leave the beach, it’s usually because the kids are crying, hitting each other, pooped through a stupid flipping swimmy diaper, or there are no snacks left to keep the kids quiet. It takes them approximately 45 minutes and 12 seconds to pack up all the crap they showed up with. They may actually NEED a hospital stay at this point.
They head to their minivans and SUVs and throw all the crap in the back. They then load up all the kids, get in the car and head home to relax. HAHAHAHHAHAHA No, that’s not right. They head home to give a bunch of tired kids baths, feed them (kids seriously eat ALL THE TIME) and hopefully get them to bed before they themselves are face-first in a plate of cold spaghetti.
People without kids fold up their chairs and head off the beach to a bar. They then go home take peaceful hot showers and sleep for 14 hours.
