We sometimes hear people say that is is ‘nice to be nice’ and I believe in my heart that is the best advice we could give. After all, it isn’t just about being kind to someone, it is about making sure that they feel the impact of our kindness for a long time. On the other hand, there may be times when a person doesn’t really deserve a kind word but that doesn’t mean that it is wrong to give one to them. Perhaps that is where these brilliant insults come in. They are meant to put someone down without tearing them down in the process.
1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.
2. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
3. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.
4. May your article load that extra little bit as you’re about to click a link so you click an ad instead.
5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.
6. May you forever feel your cellphone vibrating in the pocket it’s not even in.
7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.
8. May your life be as pleasant as you are.
9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.
10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.
11. May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the cord isn’t plugged in the wall.
12. May your return calls always go unanswered, even though you literally just called me, Kyle.
13. May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
14. May your tea be too hot when you receive it, and too cold by the time you remember it’s there.
15. May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk.
16. May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.
17. May all your Facebook invites be game invites.
18. May you never be quite certain whether that pressure is a fart or poop.
19. May your spoon always slip and sink under the hot soup you eat.
20. May you never remember these curses when you try to.
